Your name is JENNY MCFEE . You live in the big city of Cardiff, Wales. You do a lot of things in the field of almost everything. Today you are trying out a sweet new game, Sburb. It doesn't have good reviews, but you never pay attention to those, because you are just gonna ace this thing. The stable version just came out. You go up to the computer, begin the installation, and OH DANG. Someone's messaging you via Pesterchum. Let's see who it is...
(image: Jenny's desktop, Echidna browser open behind Pesterchum)
miraculousSwordsman [MS] began pestering godheadBubbles [GB] at XX: XX am.
[MS]: Yo Dude.
[GB]: Hello, Scratch.
[MS]: I Really Wish You Didn't Know Who I Am Sometimes...
[GB]: We've had this argument before. Now, I was about to get my game on when you called. As such, tell me what you want, or bugger off.
[MS]: I Was Just Gonna Say That I Heard You Were Playing Sburb
[MS]: And Just To Say I Was A Beta Tester For The Old Version
[MS]: So Yea
[MS]: I Guess You Could Ask Me For Help.
[GB]: Help? Pff. I suppose if that becomes necessary I will take you up on the offer.
godheadBubbles ceased pestering miraculousSwordsman at XX: XX am.
>Jenny: Install Sburb client.
(Image: Easily ripped from an early Homestuck panel
A flashy load screen appears. You spend the next ten minutes staring at it.
You are now MELLOHI SCRATCH and you know that JENNY WILL NEED YOUR HELP ANYWAY.
You Walk To Your Bed And Drop Your Laptop There While You Throw Some Shit Out The Window.
You Then Decide To Install A Clock To Your Pesterchum So That The Time Will Work.
This is the reason you will NOT be needing Scratch's help. You lift the ABRIDGED SBURB STRATEGY GUIDE onto your desk. Gogdamn that's heavy. And it's only volume 1.
>Jenny: Begin consulting guide.
You open the book to the first chapter.
General tips and tricks to remember before you get started
Try to get acquainted with your weapon of choice early on. If you practice enough, you might even earn a rung or two on the echeladder before you even make it in.
Make sure to have a laptop that has a good battery capacity. You're going to need it if you're going to be contacting other players when you're out questing or something.
Have a secret stash of food hidden somewhere in your house that you wouldn't mind eating a lot of. You'll probably wind up duping that pile of food a lot of times. And don't forget to have some healthy food with vitamins! Candy isn't going to cut it when you're fighting prototyped imps!
When that timer starts ticking, DON'T MESS AROUND! Even if you have hours left on it, try to get in as quick as possible. Procrastinators get hit by meteors!
Consider trying to awaken as soon as possible. Just try not to stare into skaia/the furthest ring for too long as you may lose sight of your current reality/go insane.
If you have a typing quirk, make sure that it is a readable one.?
Unless you've been grinding to a very high level, do not PCHOOOOOOOO to a gate that your house has not reached yet!
Reaching your full potential will require you to solve your personal issues and settle your rivalries in a way that fits your title. Just remember that when you take THE CHOICE, being ready will often mean that you will be prepared for the successful route of said choice, but only through effort and determination will you be able to complete your side of the bargain.
Be careful about any and all time travel that you do. If you see yourself from another time, be careful. It is advised that you change clothes often so that you will not get your other selves from other times mixed up.
What the bloody hell is this? This is a lot of words, that's what this is. You may be an avid reader, but even this is a little much for you. It appears the Sburb client is almost finished. You better continue with the guide.
>Mellohi: Cut Jenny Off.
>Mellohi: Get A Better View Of Your Room.
>Mellohi: Investigate Picture On Wall.
You exitedly run to the computer to find that the Sburb client...to find it's a .bat file. Meanwhile, someone watches Jenny through her window...
>Be Jack Noir.
You cannot be Jack Noir, because Jack Noir is to busy stabbing the branch he's sitting on so he can look through Jenny's window.
You continue reading.
Make sure you trust your server player. They will be very helpful in keeping you alive for starters. They are also required for...
You close the book. Looks like Scratch knew about this.
godheadBubbles [GB]began pestering miraculousSwordsman[MS] at 11: 38 am.
[GB]: This is somewhat important.
[MS]: What Do You Want?
[MS]: Im Doing Something
[GB]: Screw it.
[GB]: I just found out that Sburb requires multiplayer.
[MS]: Im Really Busy Right Now. I'll Tell You When I'm Finished.
>Jenny: Connect to random server player.
Seeing as this is a new feature for Sburb stable, you click the random connect button. An error screen pops up claiming no one is online.
>Mellohi: Unreveal Your Secret Plan.
Well you see, your gonna.. WAIT YOUR NOT GONNA TELL ANYONE
But you do have a secret plan
You Have A Server Disk sitting in your disk rack
And your gonna use it
Your gonna use it gooooood
>Mellohi: Install disk.
Im doing it
>Jenny: Continue reading.
Before entering The Medium: A warning about agents
On Derse, the purple planet orbiting Skaia, there are agents working to overthrow the rulers. The ones to look out for are:
ARCHAGENT JACK NOIR
Noir is a stabhappy loose cannon who is a danger to everyone around him. Unless you get with him to dethrone the Black Queen, he should be dispatched as soon as possible.
THE COURTYARD DROLL
The Droll is an expert with bombs. However, he is very stupid and the easiest to befriend. You can become genuine friends or you can use him for your own means. It will take him a while to figure out the latter.
THE HEDGEMONIC BRUTE
There is little noteworthy things to say on the Brute. However it is best to know that if you are a Derse dreamer, Noir is most likley to send him to assasinate you and you will be facing this angry wall of meat. He is incredibly powerful and may attempt to bite your head off alive.
THE DRACONIAN DIGNITARY
This agent is a murderous psycopath who, though classy, is not afraid to kill in some pretty horrible ways. Stay away from him as best you can.
Your eyes linger on the image of Jack Noir on the page.
>Jenny: Look out the window.
You turn to see the very Archagent you just read about.
You chuck one of your neumerous CRICKET BATS at Noir. It hits home.
Jack Noir has NOT been slain.
What do you mean advance you only finished the installation now. Now you just need Jenny to Press Something Again
>Jenny: Press Something Again.
You direct your attention back to the computer.
Press enter to begin session_
>Jenny: (press) Enter.
SBURB brought to you by SKAIANET INDUSTRIES.
You fail to notice anything happen.
>Mellohi: Pester Jenny And Explain What Your Gonna Do.
miraculousSwordsman [MS] began pestering godheadBubbles [GB] at 12:55 am.
[MS]: Yo Jen
[MS]: Got A New Plan
[MS]: See You Have Pressed Connect
[MS]: Ima Start Movin Shit
miraculousSwordsman [MS] began pestering godheadBubbles [GB] at 12:56 am.
[GB]: Wait, what?
[GB]: What the hell are you doing?!
--miraculousSwordsman [MS] is now an idle chum!--
>Jenny: Investigate matters.
This is sounding really serious. You've read that server players 'Move Shit Around' in an occasionally messy fashion. You are going to kill that Scratch.
>Mellohi: Suddenly drop Cruxtuder behind Jenny.
He demolishes your bed in the process. Dammit Scratch!
>Mellohi: Start Flinging Jen's Shit EVERYWHERE
You Continue To Do That, Laughing Maniacly
>Jen: Duck in cover!
godheadBubbles [GB] began pestering miraculousSwordsman [MS]at 1:12 PM.
[GB]: Seriously, have you lost your mind?
[GB]: Do something useful! You're supposed to build the house up or something, right?
[MS]: Always Wanted To Trash Your Shitty Room
[MS]: Yea, Yea We Are
[GB]: That's all well and good then.
[GB]: If you would please get to work. I'd appreciate decent architechture.
>Mellohi: Build A Shitty 1x1 Block Tower with a Ladder On It.
That was the original idea but You Could totally Do some epic Shit here With this building
>Jen: Have sudden inspiration.
godheadBubbles [GB] began pestering miraculousSwordsman [MS]at 1:17 PM.
[GB]: I just remembered that we need some more stuff.
[GB]: Can you get me a Totem Lathe and an Alchimeter?
[MS]: Okay, Want The Pre-Punched Card As Well?
[MS]: Actually Don't Answer That.
[MS]: Its Pretty Obvious.
>Mellohi: Deploy the shit.
You Start Dropping The Shit in her house.
>Mellohi: Show Your Designs For Jennys House!
>Jenny: Get sylladex.
You suddenly realize you don't have a sylladex, however your older sister recently bought a video game that came with one. You're gonna have to take it...
You sneak into the room and impliment the Sylladex. It's a little weird, but it'll do.
>Jen: Youth roll out the door and head back to your room.
You pull off an excellent youth roll and crash straight into your sister. She doesn't look happy about the Sylladex...
You pull the default Strife specibus out...Fistkind. Your sis appears to be using the same.
Sis auto-parries, grabbing you in a headlock. You lose your sick shades.
You deliver a punch to your sis's stomach and abscond, running to your room and locking the door.
>Mellohi: Run Into Your Mom When You Go Toilet.
No.. Why Would You? You Dont Even Need To Go Toilet.
>Mellohi: Trap Jen's Sis With A Wardrobe
Oh Yea Good Idea. You Do That.
>Mellohi: Deploy The Pre-Punched Card On Jenny's Desk.
>Jenny: Grab Pre-punched card. Introduce it to Cruxtuder.
Let's make this happen.
>Jen: Activate Totem Lathe.
This bit is surprisingly easy.
[GB]: Oi, Scratch.
[GB]: Where's the Alchimeter?
[GB]: I don't want to poke around in case I run into my sis again.
[MS]: You Sister is...Indisposed At The Moment
[MS]: As In Locked In A Wardrobe.
[GB]: We get into fisticuffs all the time. I need to get her out.
A sudden BOOM echoes in the backyard.
>Jen: Look out the window.
There's a pretty big crater where a meteor has landed. As a matter of fact, they appear to be raining down all over Cardiff...you're pretty sure that ain't good.
>Jen: Continue to pester Scratch.
[GB]: Tell me where the Alchimeter is, stat
[GB]: I'm about to be fried.
[MS]: Do You Have Access To The Roof?
[MS]: Actually You Know What.......
[MS]: Check Your Window, Should Be On A Platform There
>Jen: Turn around.
You feel the sudden urge to turn around and What on earth is that?
The object floats in the air, blinking. Oh yeah. It's the Kernelsprite you're supposed to prototype. You suppose you should do that now.
>Jen: Hunt around the room.
A-ha! Amongst your Doctor Who merchandise (you are a huge fan), you spot a tin Dalek . Perfect! You pick it up and throw it Sprite-wards. As it fuses, you head up to your roof.
>Jen: Examine Alchimeter.
Looks pretty sweet. You guess you'll play around with it a bit.
>Jen: Alchemize Doctor Who DVD with own T-shirt.
You got the TARDIS shirt! It doesn't do anything special, seeing as it only cost about 5 grist.
>Jen: Alchemize Doctor Who DVD with Reality! magazine.
Apparently, this would alchemize the TARDIS, but it takes more grist than you'll ever see in your lifetime. Oh well.
>Jen: Alchemize pen, antique sword, and sister's Problem Sleuth game.
You get...A pen. A perfectly normal pen. Damn.
>Jen: Use new pen to write self a note.
You can't write notes with a sword!
>Jen: Make the entry item already!
You got the CRUXITE DUMMY! You suppose you could run it through with your pen...
"WERE IS JENNY MC-FEE?!"
Oh crap. You should have known prototyping the Dalek would have consequences.
You ram the cruxite dummy through with your PEN, and all goes black.
END OF EPISODE 1
Episode 2 - Introducing: Aliens.
Your name is APOLLO CARINN. You have very few intrests, although you do like MAKING MUSIC, like DUBSTEP or something. Right now you're blasting some pretty sick beats. You also are a fan of WEBCOMICING. You run one yourself, but your favorite has to be BARD QUEST. It's too bad it was never finished. You also play RPGs on rainy days, and shine people's shoes for a quick buck from time to time.
What will you do now?
>Apollo: Troll someone.
Eeh, you aren't a big fan of web trolling, but you suppose it might be fun. You start up Trollian.
battlefieldMalpractice [BM] began trolling godheadBubbles [GB] at XX: XX am.
[GB]: You are trolling me.
[BM]: How do you know?
[BM]: !'ve barely said anything.
[GB]: Hint #1:
[GB]: You have one of those stupid quirks,
[GB]: I only know one moron who uses a quirk
[GB]: Him and trolls.
[GB]: Hint #2:
[GB]: battlefieldMalpractice [BM] began trolling godheadBubbles [GB] at XX: XX am.
[GB]: Keyword = trolling.
[GB]: Suspicious, isn't it?
[BM]: Your log!c !s very sound.
[GB]: Thank you. I'm going to spare us some time by doing something amazing.
godheadBubbles [GB] blocked battlefieldMalpractice [BM] at XX: XX am.
You really suck at trolling.
>Aolo, Ayolo whatever the fuck your name is: Be The Other Troll.
You Are Now SKAAHN PAKKAN And YOU JUST FELL ASLEEP, Dayum Narcolepsy Sucks.
>Skaahn: Be Ke$ha.
Okay, ONE, You Cannot Be Ke$ha, Ke$ha Is Not In Trials Of Sburb, She Is In Ke$hastuck.
TWO, You Cant Do Jack Shit, Your're Asleep, Exept Maybe Explore Derse
>Skaahn: Explore Derse.
>Narrtive: Flip around in a confusing manner.
You are now JENNY MCFEE and have a newfound hatred for DALEKS. The sprite is bad enough, but the imps? The imps are prototyped. This is psychotic. Loud shouts of EXTERMINATE!!! EXTERMINATE!!! are echoing all over the place.
You are now APOLLO CARINN. You are looking for that video game a friend shipped to you from another planet. It's called SBURB and it's apparently really cool. You hear it's multiplayer, so maybe you'll ask Skaahn to play. He's a pretty cool guy when he's not asleep.
battlefieldMalpractice [BM] began trolling awkwardWeaponsholder [AW]at XX: XX am.
[BM]: Dude, !'m about to play Sburb.
[BM]: Wanna jo!n?
--awkwardWeaponsholder [AW] is now an idle chum!--
[BM]: So you're asleep, r!ght?
[BM]: !'m tak!ng that as yes.
>Mellohi: Play The Game
You Need A Server Player First, God Everyone Is Shit......
>Jenny: Pester Mellohi.
godheadBubbles [GB]began pestering miraculousSwordsman [MS] at 7:22 pm.
[GB]: Scratch, I'm afraid I can't be much help at this point.
[GB]: My internet is about to go out.
[GB]: There's someone who wants to play Sburb though. His tag is battlefeildMalpractice.
[GB]: Good luck dude.
godheadBubbles [GB]is now offline.
You guess you're pretty much on your own.
>Mellohi: Pester This DickWeed.
miraculousSwordsman [MS] began pestering battlefieldMalpractice [BM]at 29:00.
[MS]: Yo Dickweed
[MS]: You Wanna Play Sburb?
[BM]: Who are you calling d!ckweed?
[BM]: Do you th!nk !'m w!ll!ng to play a real!ty-alter!ng game w!th someone who calls me bad names?
[BM]: !n any case, ! suspect play!ng may be nessesary to my surv!val.
[BM]: So yeah, !'ll play.
>Apollo: Get this show on the road.
You install the Sburb server.
>Mellohi: Be The Idiot.
You Refuse, And Proceed To Jump On Your Bed, Waiting For This DickWeed To Hurry Up
>Apollo: Make with the tools.
You drop a few things around the room for this moron, careful not to damage his computer
battlefieldMalpractice [BM]began trolling miraculousSwordsman [MS] at 29:03.
[BM]: Alr!ght, !'d recommend tak!ng your Cruxtuder and prototyp!ng your spr!te right away.
[BM]: We don't want to g!ve ourselves a vo!d sess!on because some b!ghead d!dn't prototype.
[BM]: Oh wa!t a sec.
[BM]: Gonna make th!ngs go faster.
>Apollo: Troll your friend.
battlefieldMalpractice [BM] began trolling awkwardWeaponsholder [AW]at 29: 04 am.
[BM]: Hey, buddy.
[BM]: If you are asleep, isn't your dreamself narcoleptic too?
Your name is Cass Peterson. You consider yourself very cool and very classy. You enjoy most everything to do with computers, except webcomics. You can't stand those things. Anyway, you have just downloaded the new game Sburb, and can't wait to try it out.
Thats when you find someone is Pestering you.
You guess Sburb can wait. You open Pesterchum and groan. It's your stupid British Cosuin, Jenny Mcfee.
godheadBubbles [GB] began pestering lateInvestigator [LI] at 20: 31 am.
[LI]: what do you want?
[GB]: Just wanted to say sorry.
[GB]: You're really a great cousin. Just thought I'd tell you before I died.
[LI]: okay, *what*?!
godheadBubbles [GB] ceased pestering lateInvestigator [LI] at 20: 31 am.
Jenny and her stupid pranks. Oh well. You might as well play the game now.
>Cass: Be Mellohi
You never stopped.
>Mellohi human, what are you doing?
What? You Have Not Been Doing Anything, Exept You Know, Alchemising Some Shit, You Started To Prototype, But Your Trying to Get Something That Wont Be A Huge Dick And Wont Suck.
Okay You Think You Got It, You Decide To Throw The Assassins Creed 3 in With Phoenix Wright Game. Yep, Thats Good
>That's a very weird sprite, Mr. Scratch.
Well, Its Better Than SHUTTHEFUCKUPSPRITE.
>Mellohi: Consult With PhoenixCreedSprite.
PHOENIXCREEDSPRITE : OBJECTION, IM THE ASSASSIN
MELLOHI: Bro, You Need To Shut The Fuck Up</div>
PHOENIXCREEDSPRITE : OBJECTION!
MELLOHI: Seriously Man, Shut Up
PHOENIXCREEDSPRITE : OBJECTION! NAW MAN IM AN ASSASSIN, YOU SHOULD SHUT UP
> Mellohi human, pay attention!
PHOENIXCREEDSPRITE : OBJECTION!
MELLOHI: JUST STOP FOR A SECOND!
You are CASS again. And you are totally pissed. Turns out you need a server player to play this goddamn game. And everyone is fooling around elsewhere. You spent four hours downloading this game, and you'll play it if it's the last thing you do!
> Cass: Find someone who has a server player.
Theres a plan. You pester someone random.
lateInvestigator [LI] began pestering miraculousSwordsman [MS]
[LI]: Dude, do you play Sburb?
[MS]: Sorry Cass, Playin With Your Cousin, Also, If Your Wondering How I Know Your Name, I Used Wikipidea
[LI] Gimme one second to check that.
Cass: Check Wikipedia.
DAMN IT!!!! Jenny obviously made this page. You'll get her someday.
[LI]: .....I hate my cousin.
[LI]: Anyway, mid if I play Sburb with you two?
[MS]: Again, Im Pretty Sure Im Filled Up On Both Sides, Jenny, However, May Not Be, You May Be Able To Get Her As Your Server Player,
>Jenny: Be asleep.
You are out cold. That being the case, your dream self is awake.
>Jack: Be more awake than the kid.
You got it, cheifs. You're gonna kill the kid and get back to Derse. This is getting crazy.
>Mellohi: Go Check On Jen-Jens.
Who The Fuck Is Jen-Jens? Oh You Mean Jenny? You Go Check On Jenny And Notice Jack, The First Thought That Went Through Your Head Was Closet As You Decide To Trap Jack In A Sweet Golden Closet You Found From The Roman Age Under The House, Phew, That Was A Close One.
>Mellohi: Poke Jenny.
Sburb Doesnt Let You Interact With Players, So You Get A Stick And Poke Her With That, Which It Actually Lets You Do.
>Mellohi: Be other girl.
You are now MEG GRIFFIN. Your intrests include POCKET MONSTERS, COMPUTER SOLDIER PORYGON, FURRIES, GROWING EXOTIC FLOWERS, and BOND MOVIES. You also are a fan of MANWHA. You like to ENJOY SPUMINDI LAUPER FROYO ON THE PIER. Your chumhandle is screamingGopher and yOU tYPE lIKE tHIS mOO.
>Meg: Monthly Blood yourself and Purr like a Mutie.
A wild character select screen appeared! You pick
>Cass Peterson: Be super irritated.
You are really annoyed that no one will play Sburb with you. You'll have to do something about it. You go to the legendary sweet bro and Hella Jeff websight and place an ad. It says the following:
Hot Girl wishes to play Sburb. Click here for Chumhandle.
Sure, you exagerated. But it should attract attention.
Wow, that was fast. Let's check the Pesterchum...
atrociousAttractor [aa] began annoying lateInvestigator [LI] at 29:03.
[aa]: i heAr thAt you Are plAying sburb And Are of considerAble good looks
[LI]: Well yeah. But I can't get on a server. I'm guessing you have one?
>Cass: Be amazed.
You genuinley amazed that someone saw your ad. You just hope he isn't some kind of psychopath. Oh well. You got a server player, anyway.
>Forget these people.
You don't know who to forget. Who are you again?
>Remember one of them...
Ah that's who! I get yah'!
>Be Nephim Lekiar.
How can you be Nephim when you already are him? Silly... Your name is Nephim Lekiar. You're a little... How do you put it? Insane. You don't find yourself a nice person to be around considering well... You kind of kill most things you get in contact with... You pride yourself on you TROPHY COLLECTION and you DrillLnchKind strife specibus. What else can a lone wolf need? Did you forget that too? You don't have a home.
>Roam the nearby forest.
Nearby forest? There's nothing here BUT forest!
>Turn around, quickly!
You think there's something behind you. Must be paranoia.
>Get something done.
You take out your TROPHY COLLECTION from with your Fetch Modus after hitting a perfectbullseye! You take out the OLIVE BLOOD TROLL TROPHY and use his computer to look up something.
>Inspect the device.
You find, to your disbelieve, a disk inside the strange thing. It has the word "Sgrub" written on it.
>Install the strange thing.
Yeah, no shit! You're already doing that considering it had been on for a while now.
>Nephim: Get trolled.
battlefieldMalpractice [BM]began trolling oddballWarlord [OW] at 04:13 PM.
[BM]: hey man.
[BM]: !'m play!ng a game called Sburb, and !t works w!th Sgrub.
[BM]: do you th!nk you could be my sever player? ! need one pretty bad.
[OW]: oh hey .
[OW]: not like i got anything else to do right now... .
You can't! It's Nephim's job to do the server stuff, you just need to wait!
>Nephim, HURRY UP!
You can't go faster than you already are damnit!
>Install the Client and get something done other than shooting stuff!
You continue doing what you were already doing...
Jenny: Look at sburb.wikia.com.
Hey, look, there's a notable bugs list for the stable release.
>Jenny: Check it out.
The Heinous Glitch
>Jen: Read about Heinous Glitch.
There is an extremely rare glitch in Sburb referred to as the Heinous Glitch (see picture). This bug causes the player to be spliced horribly with his/her sprite. It occurs when the sprite is forced through the first gate with the player. Though augmenting their abilities, this is the most game-breaking and horrible glitch currently in the game.
Oh my GOD.
JENNY: Hey, Daleksprite.
DALEKSPRITE: YOU RE-QUEST MY PRESENCE?
JENNY: Yeah. I don't want you doing anything stupid, alright? Don't ever try to follow me past the first gate.
DALEKSPRITE: I OBEY!
Jenny: Warn your friends.
CURRENT godheadBubbles [GB] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board SBURBSTABLE (Brought to you by Skaianet)
[CGB]: There's a frightening glitch in this version of Sburb I just found out about.
[CGB]: You all have a right to know: sburb.wikia.com/wiki/Notable_Bugs/Heinous_Glitch
CURRENT lateInvestigator RIGHT NOW began responding to memo
CLI: And why do I care?
CLI: I can't even get on the stupid game.
CURRENT miraculousSwordsman RIGHT NOW began responding to memo
[CMS]: Im More Worried About The Trickster Bug
[CMS]: Its Way More Freakier
[CGB]: Wait a minute...
>Jen: Trickster glitch...?
The trickster bug (A.K.A. Trickster Mode) is generally invoked by outside sources, such as a spell. It changes the player into a more cheerful and jocularly version of themselves, along with multiple cosmetic changes. The pranks they play can be deadly.
Mellohi's got a weird sense of what's freaky and what's not. Sure, that's bad, but whatever.
>Jen: Return to Memo.
CURRENT godheadBubbles [GB] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board SBURBSTABLE (Brought to you by Skaianet)
[CGB]: It's a little stupid, isn't it?
[CAD]: has this glitch ever happened to anyone?
[CAD]: I mean its my first time playing sburb and I don't want to turn into some horrible monster
[CGB]: They have pictures on the wiki
[CGB]: My guess is they tested it.
[CGB]: By the way, have you got a client or sever player yet?
[CGB]: We're trying to ensure survival by making a large circle of players.
PAST godheadBubbles [GB] SIX HOURS AGO responded to memo on board SBURBSTABLE (Brought to you by Skaianet)
[PGB]: I'm under attack by Dalek Imps!
[CGB]: Alchemize a sword using a Dalek model and your antique.
PAST godheadBubbles [GB] ceased responding to memo on SBURBSTABLE (Brought to you by Skaianet)
Past Jenny: Alchemize.
You got the DALEKSCRATCH!
[CGB]: Another stable time loop fulfilled.
[CGB]: Where were we?
[CAD]:Oh, we were talking about having clients and server players for our survival. Im going to ask my sister to be my client, but i dont have a server player
[CGB]: Thank you.
[CGB]: My cousin needs a client, so she will likely help in between killing imps.
[CGB]: And now, I take my leave.
CURRENT godheadBubbles [GB] ceased responding to memo on SBURBSTABLE (Brought to you by Skaianet)
You are out like a light.
Let's go check on what that other guy is doing since Jenny looks like she's knocked out cold. A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 17th of December, is this young man's birthday. Though it was 17 years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!
What will the name of this young man be?
Cut this shit out and try again
your name is Dylan. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for DRAWING HOMESTUCK, WATCHING TV SHOWS and DISCOVERING NEW MOVIES. You like to play videogames but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for INTERNET MEMES, and are an aspiring AMATEUR ANIMATOR. You also like to play BOARD GAMES sometimes.Sometimes you'd like to change into your FANCY SUIT, or should you say BIRTHDAY SUIT *snickers*
What will you do?
Dylan: Quickly retrieve arms from chest.
you retrieve a RULER called Blue Inches from the chest. You guess it kind of counts as a weapon
You CAPTCHALOGUE it in your SYLLADEX. You have no idea what that actually means though.
There are other items in the chest.
Dylan: close chest and check out your puppet.
This little guy is literally your best friend. He's been with you throught thick and thin and you don't know what you would do without it. Oh look a note.
Dylan: Read note on drawer.
This note is rank with the aromas of GIRLY PERFUME. You scrunch up your face in disgust.
Beside the note is a ROLLED UP POSTER.
Dylan: Take off your shirt and do the watusi
This is incredibly idiotic. You like it.
Dylan: Open the poster.
Before you even have a chance to open and see what's on the poster, sombody on your pester chum is trying to talk to you.
Dylan: open pesterlog and open message.
screamingGopher [SG] began pestering androiDiamond [AD] at 3: 47 pm.
[AD]: I thought i blocked you
[SG]: i wENT oN yOUR lAPTOP aND uNBLOCKED mYSELF MOOOOO
[AD]: How did you find out my secret password?
[SG]: i lOOKED iN yOUR aRT jOURNAL, dUH MOO
[AD]: gfiugcfguyfds WHY?!
[SG]: cAUSE iM aWESOME MOO
[SG]: bET yOU cANT gUESS wHAT wE gOT yOU fOR yOUR bIRTHDAY. iTLL mAKE yOU cOMPLETELY fORGET aBOUT mE lOOKING iN yOUR jOURNAL MOOO
[AD]: I doubt it. I better be careful where i put my secret password or The Cow might steal it
[SG]: jUST gO iN tHE lIVING rOOM dYLAN! wE hAVE a bIG sURPRISE!! MOOOOOOO
screamingGopher [SG] ceased pestering androiDiamond [AD] at 4:00
Dylan: leave room.
You go out in the HALLWAY
>Dylan: Enter living room.
You continue walking and-A WILD CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN APPEARED!
Be the other guy.
You are now THANATOS. You are a cherub, and you live on the planet of LESSER ZILLYHOO. GREATER ZILLYHOO is very bright and goofy, but Lesser Zillyhoo is a darker planet. You appreciate 80s ALTERNATIVE MUSIC, and THE OCCASIONAL NOVEL. You are a lucky cherub, as you and your sister never chain each other up. What will you do?
You captchalouge your laptop and leave.
Oh no. It looks like your sister broke someone's neck before she went to sleep last night. Poor Troll never stood a chance. You captchalouge the body too. Maybe you can prototype it when you enter the Medium.
Thanatos: Build your client's house up some.
She'd better be getting ready for entry, you're almost out of grist.
Out of curiosity, you look into your sister's room and find all kinds of weird torture devices that smash pumpkins
Thanatos: Trade a pumpkin in for more grist.
What pumpkin? All of them are smashed
Thanatos: Pester Cass.
atrociousAttractor [aa] began annoying lateInvestigator [LI] at 29:03.
[aa]: Are you reAdy to enter the medium yet?
[LI]: You been messing with your colors?
[aa]: yes, i hAve.
[aa]: Alchemize your entry item And get to it! And don't forget to prototype your sprite. Preferably with a recently dead body.
Where are you going to get a dead body? Oh well. Might as well get to work.
Cass: Make this HAPEN.
Hell yeah. Better get your hatchets out from under that loose floorboard.
Hmm. You think these old things need some spicing up.
Alchemize with a lighter.
You got the firehatchets. Hell yes. For one second you think about burning down the house.
You continue to find items in your house while we find out whats going on with the other guy
Cass: Be the other guy.
SURPRISE!! You didn't expect your dad and sister to get you a PRESENT and a GIANT CAKE!
They both look eager to have you open the BIRTHDAY PRESENT. You wonder if they got you the sburb game you always wanted.
Dylan: Blow out the candles and make a wish!
Your Father holds the the cake in front of you while you blow out the candles
Kid What Did You Wish For?
Like you'd ever tell this mysterious voice. You dont want to waste your wish after all
After eating your fill of cake you decide to tear open your present.
WOAH its a cat! You love cats! So soft and adorable, this one is a pretty nice cat
Kid Go Outside And Find The Box
By the way your name is Dylan, mysterious voice. Might as well since they didnt get you anything that looks like the sburb box
You exit the house
Dylan: Check mail.
Predictably, the mailbox is empty. You have already been scooped by your father.
The streets are also empty. You have a feeling it's going to be a great day.
Dylan: See if your father left the mail in the car.
The door is locked and your DAD has the CAR KEYS. You peer in through the driver's side window.
You don't see any mail, but you do see a ORANGE and BLUE PACKAGE. There is also something underneath it that looks like a slip of paper. Your dad loves the Florida Gators way too much
Hey Dylan Cut The Shenanigans And Go Back Inside
You ignore the voice in your head, and head to the kitchen.
It looks like your family went their seperate ways after the party was over.
Your SISTER sees right through your plan!
You unequip the your FANCY SUIT. Your SISTER wields a dreaded Chainsaw/Lipstick. She stands between you and the mail.
There is only one way to settle this.
(Meg shoves lipstick in his face)
(you take out your puppet from the sylladex)
(you smack her in the face with your puppet)
(Meg trys to wipe lipstick on you!*
(your puppet gets smothered with lipstick from the hit)
Dylan: Retrieve the package and flee to your room!
You cannot ABSCOND! This pesky SISTER is blocking your path! You will need to engineer some sort of distraction.
And now he brandishes yet another Chainsaw/Lipstick! The girl is wackfu crazy.
You'd better brace for impact in the most comedically striking fashion possible.
Dylan: Equip suit for defense.
The FANCY SUIT absorbs the brunt of the treat. Looks like your SISTER will enjoy the girly gambit on that exchange, as is usually the case.
Dylan: Captachalogue lipstick.
You take the Chainsaw/Lipstick and unequip the FANCY SUIT.
Fondly regard suit
Everything in your SYLLADEX is pushed back a card. The BLUE INCHES are ejected from the deck.
Yes! This could be just the distraction you were looking for!
Now that the SISTER is unconsious, you can safely sneak away.
Dylan: Take cellphone.
You snag your SISTER'S PHONE. Maybe later you'll switch the background image to something hilarious as a prank. Besides, it may come in handy later.IF you figure out her secret password.
Dylan: Take package.
This WHITE PACKAGE is addressed to you.
Dylan: Take envelope.
You got the SBURB STABLE!!!
Dont Forget Your Puppet
OH! your right! *you captchalogue Gingy*
Dylan: Exit Kitchen.
Your father hears something in the kitchen and looks to see whats up.
Dylan: Retreat upstairs!
You put our puppet called Gingy into your sylladex. The queue is full and will throw out the LIPSTICKED SUIT after captchaloging another object.
Dylan: Go to bathroom and grab a towel.
You enter the BATHROOM. You can see your BACK YARD from the window. The trailer and boat that your DAD bought is his pride and joy. There is also a big fence, which has been responsible for more than one painful memories of your dogs, and has provided you with years of lament.
On the sink is your clothes on the floor. On the rack to the side is a FRESH TOWEL.
Dylan: remove lipstick from Gingy and the fancy suit.
You wash it under the sink and use the soap to wash all that nasty lipstick away.
After that you take the TOWEL and clean off the cleansed goods.
Dylan: Go to bedroom.
The stuff you just cleaned is put in your sylladex.
Thanatos: Lick the juju. Be the trickster.
No. Hell no. Tricksters are the last thing you want around here. Besides, your sucker juju (EVERY cherub has one) is in the center of the planet, right where you locked it. Hopefully, it will be destroyed with the planet.
Thanatos: Wake up your sister.
You've tried everything you can to wake your sister up. Man she so lazy sometimes.
Thanatos: Shake the bed.
Atalanta wakes up
Nope she does not look happy. You hope she doesn't get too angry or she'll break the house again
Wait a minute. Woke yer sister? Yer a cherub!
Yeah, you sort of woke her dreamself. She doesn't like Derse, so her dreamself moved here.
Mellohi human, you still there?
Yea Im Still Here, What Do You Want?
Kid, you gotta enter The Medium A.S.A.P! Anyway, I've got bigger fish to fry.
See You Around Then.
Exile: Quit bothering the Scratch human.
Your name is PROBLEM SLEUTH. Solicitations for your service are numerous in quantity. Compensation, adequate. You are fiddling with an exile terminal on PROSPIT. It is a balmy evening, and you are feeling particularly hardboiled tonight.
What will you do?
PS: Watch another human, because why the hell not?
Good idea. Let's find another.
PS: The one with the shades, how about?
You cycle over to her and start typing. You send a message and she flips you the bird. Wow. Must be having a bad day.
PS: How about the goth one?
Yeah, sure. You start a-botherin'.
Hey, you. Short, dark and goth.
Cass: Be angry about something pointless.
YOU ARE NOT GOTH, THIS UNKNOWN TEXT IS JUST JEALOUS OF YOUR GOOD LOOKS!
Jeez, kid, simmer down. I didn't mean it.
Then shut up. You have a life, even if this text doesn't.
Damn, you're rude. Anyways, you haven't prototyped your sprite yet. I'd recommend doing that right this instant.
You don't really care what this guy recommends, but you should prototype your sprite. Hmm....what should you use?
You are SIS MCFEE, better known as JACKIE. You've just busted out of your own wardrobe. What will you do?
>Jackie: Go find Jenny.
She's probably in a real pickle right now.
Damn imps. You knew nothing good would come of Jenny's game.
Looks like Jen's in a real pickle with those imps. You should probably help her out.
>Jackie: Help the sister.
(insert panel here)
You kill half the imps. The others look pretty pissed.
>McFee family: Pose as a team, because SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
>Back to Cass, please?
You are too buisy freaking out over something stupid. Please leave a message after the beeps. BEEEEP
Dylan: Check pesterchum.
--grubbyBro [GB] began pestering androiDiamond [AD] at 5: 35 pm.--
[GB]: did u get the copy of the game yet!!?
[GB]: ive been waiting for at least 2 HOURS.
[GB]: pestr me when you do i got some important stuff to do.
--grubbyBro [GB] stopped pestering androiDiamond [AD] at 5:36 pm.--
--androiDiamond [AD] joined chat grubbyBro [GB] at 5: 40 pm.--
[AD] Hey grubby I got the omega copy!
[AD] Im so excited that I can join the game.
[AD] When you get this message, I'm gonna pop in the disk
--androiDiamond [AD] stopped pestering grubbyBro [GB] at 5: 41 pm.--
Dylan: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com.
You decide to space out on the computer for a while before doing anything important.
You open the Homonoia web browser and direct it to what is indisputably the most amazing website ever created. Andrew hussie is in the middle of an epic called Jailbreak 2: Escape the bunker. It's awesome.
grubbyBro: Pester Dylan.
--grubbyBro [GB] began pestering androiDiamond [AD] at 5: 50 pm.--
[GB]: grate. im getting the server set up.
grubbyBro: Reveal yourself.
Your name is JACKIE MCFEE. You're coming into the post-scratch universe through a SKYSHIP sent along through the efforts of your good friend ALLISON SCRATCH and a few DERSITES. You hope things'll go alright.
Your name is JACK NOIR. You have retuned to DERSE where you intend to try something you've never tried before: Casual Gaming. You've rented a game called Stomb. You're pretty sure it's an Indiana Jones type thing.
What will you do?
Jack: Fail miserably at playing the game.
Jack: Check on what the players are doing.
You decide the game cheats and break the CD using your knee. The cd has been slain.
The player you see is Jenny McFee, the player you tried to kill.
Jack: Realize the game installed anyway.
Okay, that's a little screwed. But it's only the client. Not like it can do anything. You should just forget about it.
A meteor crashes outside.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
Jack: Look outside.
hey, it's that troll kid, Skaahn Pakkan. Maybe today will be productive.
Jack: Show him your stabs?
You would, but you left your best knife on Jenny's planet. You'll have to be more...creative.
Skaahn: DO A BARREL ROLL.
No fuck you
Meg: get suckers and put them together.
You lick each sucker and try stick them together. It doesn't work but it tastes delicous.
Meg: Examine room.
Your room was a mess earlier from rapping your last minute present for Dylan. After some cleaning up, It looks as good as new. In return, he gave you a hit in the noggin from the BLUE INCHES. How rude.
Meg: pester heroicHamster.
--screamingGopher [SG] began pestering heroicHamster [HH]--
[SG]: hEY BFF WHATS UP MOO
[HH]:[Peter Pan fly to Wendys room] Hi Wendy! Ready to return to Neverland?
[SG]: [wENDY TURNS AROUND SO FAST THAT SHE GETS DIZZY] oH YES, PEETA THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL! jOHN AND MICHEAL WON'T BE COMING SINCE NANNA IS TAKING THEM TO GO GET HAIRCUTS MOOOO
[HH]:[He takes pixie dust and sprinkles it all over her] This is the perfect opportunity! Come on Wendy here we go!
[SG]: (i HAVE TO GO, I THINK MY BRO IS MESSING WITH SOMETHIN UPSTAIRS MOOOOOO)
[HH]: (ok bye)
Jenny: Rig cash scheme.
This is where things get...complicated...
You found this file on the Skaianet website that can wire grist and Boondollars between players. You've created something you call the Omega Fund, and you're contacting your fellows for their stuff. Give everyone equal resources.
Jenny: Get stuff from Mellohi.
Not yet! You haven't even wired stuff of your own yet.
Jenny: Wire stuff.
You wire a little bit of grist and boondollars. About 25% of your funds. Well, better get Mellohi now...
Jenny: Pester Mellohi.
godheadBubbles [GB]began pestering miraculousSwordsman [MS] at 11: 42 am.
[GB]: Greetings, 'O Mighty One'.
[GB]: An 'underling' requests you chip in to the team.
[GB]: How much grist do you have, and how many boondollars to spare?
miraculousSwordsman [MS] is now an idle chum!
godheadBubbles [GB]ceased pestering miraculousSwordsman [MS] at 11: 44 am.
Jenny: Pester Dylan instead.
godheadBubbles [GB]began pestering --androiDiamond [AD] at 11: 42 am.
[GB]: Hey, D man.
[GB]: We're getting together a grist-wiring system.
[GB]: Have you got a server player yet?
[AD]: Yep, your sister Jackie is helping me. Have you entered the medium yet?
[GB]: Been in this hellhole for a while.
[GB]: Wait a minute.
JENNY: Jackie, have you been helping Dylan?
JACKIE: Who's Dylan, your boyfriend?
[GB]: She has no idea who you are, I asked her.
[GB]: Explain. What are you hiding from me?
[AD]: She was from the prescratch universe. You guys must be from a different timeframe.
[GB]: Pre-scratch Jackie? Cool.
[GB]: Anyway, how much grist do you have?
[AD]: I have about 1,000 grist, since i spent half of all my grist on sweet stuff. Why?
[GB]: 1,000 GRIST?!
[GB]: She must have shown you the fund.
[GB]: Okay, you don't need any extra then.
[GB]: Catch you later.
--godheadBubbles [GB] ceased pestering androiDiamond [AD] at 12:00 pm.--
pre!Jackie: Select Dylan.
You cannot select a PLAYER!
DYLAN abjures the meddlesome cursor.
pre!Jackie: Revise room.
pre!Jackie: Open Phernalia Registry.
You deploy the Cruxtrader
Dylan: Examine Cruxtrader.
You don't know what kind of thing-ama-bob this is.
BOOM! Oh crap what just happened upstairs?
Dylan: Examine wheel on Cruxtrader.
Before you investigate, you try turning the wheel.
When you turn the wheel, something seems to be pushing up from underneath the lid.
But you aren't strong enough to make the lid come off!
Dylan: Investigate upstairs.
[AD]:Uh,Jackie, what are you doing with the TV?
[GB]: hehehehe im just fixin it
[AD]: Banging it against the floor and breaking the glass NOT fixing it.
[AD]: And no you just broke the floor! What's wrong with you?!
No no no no no no no, that's not your name! Try again please.
Tell us about yourself.
Your name is Jodi. It is an UNSEASONABLY WARM December day. Your BEDROOM WINDOW is open to let some air in, and your FAN is cranked. You have variety of INTERESTS. A crazy and weird girl like you is sure to have plenty. You have tons of COLORING BOOKS littered all around your room. You have kind of an obsession with all things Peter Pan, but your not afriad show it. Your mom bought you a Peter Pan COSTUME and you wear it every time you LARP with other kids on the block. Recently your mother bought you a game that you thought looked interesting you.
What will you do?
Jodi: Fly Pupa fly!
You get out your authentic bag of pixie dust from your treasure chest. You pour the glidder on yourself and jump off the bed singing [You can fly!]
THIS IS STUPID
Jodi: answer chum.
You already did in past right before Jenny was pestering Melhoi remember? You have the worst sense of time.
>Many years in the future...
An Expelled Nomad takes a shivery step.
Expelled Nomad: Examine surroundings.
You're in a place that's cold and dark. Unfortunately, that's outside. The ash always obscures the sun.
>EN: Build a fire.
You haven't risked a fire yet, because you're afraid of attracting anything that might eat you. It's about time though; you're afraid you're one of the only things on the planet that hasn't died of cold yet.
There. Nice and cozy, you guess.
>EN: Build a snowman.
You make a snowman out of the falling snow and coal you found laying on the ground. His name shall be Sir Nicolas Cage Esquire.
You ignore the threatening voice. You aren't insane until you give into the voices.
EN: Discover someone else at the fire.
It's not someone, it's a bird.
EN: Examine bird.
It's a weird thing; it's all white. You can't see its eyes. You guess it's a hawk or something. Miracle it's still alive.
FORGET THE BIRD AND STOP GOOFIN AROUND.
But this bird is so soft and adorable...oh no now you've truly become crazy talking to this voice! DAMNIT!
Cloaked Figure: Be the newcomer.
You are the CLOAKED FIGURE. You like being mysterious. You were just freezing to death when you noticed this nice fire here. You are feeling somewhat grateful to this exiled nomad.
CF: Kiss the ground.
Not in front of the others! Seriously.
CF: Warm Thyself.
You sit down next to the fire.
CF: Ride the bird like a mechanical bull.
You and the Expelled Nomad ride the magestic winged creature and fly off near the sunset. Goodbye Sir Nicolas Cage Esquire.
CF and EN: Stop fantasizing.
Okay, you admit the bird is too small to ride. You instead keep sitting there. It's really cold, even with the fire.
Giant skyship: Materialize.
You are Jackie McFee again, and you are unfortunately fairly confident you overshot the date and time of landing. You're going to need some local help, if there is any.
Jackie: Land skyship.
(Panel desc.: Skyship lands on Sir Nicolas Cage esq.)'
JACKIE: Umm, hello.
JACKIE: Does anyone have any fuel of sorts?
Return to our players.
You are Dylan Diamond again. What will you do?
Dylan: stop pre!Jackie.
But its too late. The televsion drops right through the floor and hits the Cruxtrader.
Dylan: Go back downstairs
[AD]:Oh wow that TV opened the thing-a-ma-jig
[GB]: see? i TOLD you i knew what i was doin
Hey Put Your Puppet In The Sprite.
But you don't have any soda with you. You wonder what this voice means by "Sprite".
Dylan: Follow the Kernelsprite.
You take the cruxite and head down the hallway into your bedroom.
Might as well do what this voice suggests...
The KERNALSPRITE has been prototyped with the GINGY PUPPET
GB: Deploy the Totem Lathe and Alchemiter.
[GB]: Hey Dylan i have to go find fuel for the ship, cya later.
[AD]: Ok bye.
Jenny: Grab your stuff and get going!
JENNY: Jackie, I'm heading up. Be back in a tick, I hope.
JACKIE: Don't kill yourself.
It's a long walk up these stairs. Mellohi must've been busy.
Jenny: Pester him.
godheadBubbles [GB] began pestering miraculousSwordsman [MS] at 11:42 PM.
[GB]: We haven't spoken in a while.
[GB]: Are you still alive?
[MS]: I've Been Fighting Some Imps For A While
[MS]: It's Like They Don't Stop
[GB]: /sarcasm mode
[GB]: Are you finished making those appearifyers? I think that it would be nice if players met face to face.
[GB]: I might note that Dylan has yet to enter the medium.
[GB]: No, wait, I meant Medium.
[GB]: I think you have to capitalize that.
[GB]: Listen, send me the captcha code when you have the -ifyer network ready. I got to go.
godheadBubbles [GB] ceased pestering miraculousSwordsman [MS] at 11:59 PM.
Jackie: Fight this guy.
(panel: You see Diamonds Droog over Jackie's shoulder.)
You've got this. Easy-peasy.
Jenny: Fail to help Jackie fight DD.
You succeed in failing, proceeding to pester Dylan's sister instead.
--godheadBubbles [GB] began pestering screamingGopher [SG] at 12:02 AM.--
[GB]: Hey, heard you like pokemon.
[GB]: Who's better; Ash Ketchum or Trainer Red?
[SG]: hI, OMG ASH KETCHUM IS SO AWESOME BECAUSE HES ABLE TO NEVER GROW UP AND CATCH EM ALL MOOOOO
[SG]: wHATS YOUR FAVORITE POKEMON GAME? iVE PLAYED THEM ALL MOOO
[GB]: I'm sorry, you like Ash over Red?
[GB]: That's the funniest thing ever. Red 'caught them all' before Ash ever saw a real pokemon.
[GB]: In my humble opinion, Pokemon Crystal was the best, although I didn't get to finish it because Jackie took my Gameboy.
[GB]: I needed to know whether you had any intentions of playing a game called Sburb?
[SG]: wELL YOU HAVE YOUR OPINIONS AND I HAVE MINE MOO
[SG]: mY MOM BOUGHT IT FOR ME ABOUT A MONTH AGO, AND IVE BEEN READING EVERYTHING ABOUT SBURB MOOO
[SG]: tENTACLETHERAPIST WROTE A WALKTHROUGH OF IT ON GAMESPOT AND IT SAYS I NEED A CLIENT MOOOO
[SG]: aNY IDEAS? MOO
[GB]: Any ideas?
[GB]: Hell, we've been trying to work out this web to make sure everyone gets to the Medium before the Reckoning kills them.
[GB]: Anyways, you need a server player for sure right now or you're gonna be unable to play, possibly dead.
[GB]: I can help you there.
[GB]: By the way, do you have any idea if I could make a small, cheap time travel device?
[GB]: Your dad suggested a Delorian, but that's a bit big.
[SG]: i DON'T HAVE ANYTHING YOU CAN USE TO TIME TRAVEL WITH, I'LL TRY ASKING MY BRO IF HE HAS ANYTHING MOOO
[SG]: bY THE WAY, MY NAME IS MEG MOO
[GB]: You can call me GB, because I don't feel like divulging personal information.
[GB]: Thank you.
--godheadBubbles [GB] ceased pestering screamingGopher [SG] at 12:15 AM.--
Jenny: Go downstairs and help Jackie already!
It's already too late. Jackie McFee has been slain.
Jen: Make him pay.
(Panel: Droog has his lights punched out.)
(Panel: Silhouette of Jenny taking his knife and stabbing him with it.)
Dylan: Look into time machine buisness.
You have nothing that resembles a time machine.
Cass: Pester Jenny and brag about your sprite.
--lateInverstigator [LI] began pestering godheadBubbles [GB] at 12:17 AM.--
[LI]: Hey Jens
[LI]: My sprite is more intelligent than your stupid Dalek.
[GB]: What the fuck is wrong with you?
[GB]: I'm trying to cry over my sister's dead body here.
[LI]: Isn't your sister from the other universe here, if that makes any sense?
[GB]: She's not the Jackie I grew up with.
[LI]: Uh, okay...
[LI]: Bad time, I guess.
--lateInverstigator [LI] ceased pestering godheadBubbles [GB] at 12:20 AM.--
Cass: Contact Thanatos.
That conversation was a bit disturbing. Oh well. You might as well talk to your server player now.
--lateInverstigator [LI] began pestering atrociousAttractor [aa] at 12:21 AM.--
[LI]: Okay, so we're in the Medium now.
[LI]: Why aren't you building?
[aa]: you're out of grist.
[LI]: OK, so how do I get more?
[aa]: simple.: kill some imps.
[LI]: Kill some imps? Easy.
Cass: Find and kill an imp.
(Panel: Silhouetted, Cass leaps on an imp and sticks her hatchet in its head.)
[aa]: greAt! thAt should be enough.
(panel: Silhouetted, Cass continues mutilating the imp.)
[aa]: uh, cAss? you cAn stop.
(panel: Silhouetted, Cass stands on the imp which is reduced to dust.)
[aa]: oh my GOD.
[aa]: YOU CaN STOP NOW!
Be the other girl.
You are now Jodi Conrad and someone is wiring you a boonmint. Wondering who that coul—oh, it's Meg. That's a lot.
Jenny: Notice something annoying.
Worst. Day. Ever.
--godheadBubbles [GB] began pestering screamingGopher [SG] at 12:02 AM.--
[GB]: What the bloody hell is wrong with you?!
[GB]: A boonmint!?
[GB]: What's Jodi going to do with a boonmint?
[GB]: We don't have that kind of money to do that!
[SG]: wHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT GIVING A FEW BOONMINTS TO MY BEST FRIEND?MOOO
[SG]: I HAVE PLENTY OF BOONDOLLARS THAT I INHERITED FROM MY MOM MOOOO
[SG]: wHY ARE YOU ACKIN' SO CRAY CRAY MOO?
[GB]: You're acting a bit suspicious yourself.
[GB]: Your text smells...weird.
[SG]: uH, HOW CAN YOU SMELL MY TEXT MOO?
[GB]: I don't know...
[GB]: It might just be something I spilled on my keyboard once upon a time.
[GB]: Or the Dersite blood all over my hand.
[GB]: Who are you?
[SG]: oH MY GOD, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU MURDERED SOMEONE MOO
[SG]: aND DON'T TELL ME YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, I'M MEG REMEMBER MOOO
[GB]: Chill, Meg. I haven't forgotten who you are.
[GB]: Have you heard of the Archagents?
[SG]: sURE IVE HEARD ABOUT JACK BEING A ARCHAGENT AND WHATNOT MOO
[SG]: hANG ON, I HAVE TO SEE WHAT MY BIG BRO IS DOING. CYA LATER MOOO!
Meg: Be Jenny
You fail to be Jenny at the moment because not even Jenny wants to be Jenny. It's hard, having a dead sister. It's hard, and no one understands.
Meg: Enter room already!
MEG: hEY DILL, WHAT'S UP MOOO?
DYLAN: Oh just making some stuff to enter the medium. Hey look at this.
You reveil the SWORD OF TIME TRAVEL
MEG: a SWORD MOO...
DYLAN: I made it mixing the Zelda Ocarina of Time game with my Doctor Who movie.
DYLAN: Now we can go to any timeline we want!
MEG: lET ME BORROW IT FOR A BIT MOO
DYLAN: No! Let go of it, it's very dangerous!
You and Meg struggle to take the sword from each other and end up in the not-so distant future
DYLAN: Oh great look what you've done! We have to be extra careful and not screw around with the timeline.
MEG: hEY LOOK! ITS OUR FUTURE US MOOO!
Be Future Cass.
You are future Cass and you are having a good shout fest with Thanatos.
Cass: The hell are you doing?
Thanatos: Shush! I'm looking for the little one.
Cass: Let me repeat my question. THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Thanatos: Shut up!
Cass: I WON'T SHUT UP UNTIL I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
Thanatos: Shut up! I think he's hiding over there...
You follow his gaze. He appears to be pointing at a pile of rubble.
Thanatos: Let me check this out...
Thanatos: Pull him out.
You pull PROBLEM SLEUTH out of the rubble. He looks really pissed.
PS: Punch cherub in snout to establish superiority.
Cass and Thanatos are enamored of your rowdy, no-nonsense brand of ruffianism. Your superiority has been clearly established!
Well, sort of.
Cass: High five PROBLEM SLUETH
PS: Explain yourself.
PS: Uhh, listen, I was playing that Stomb game with Jack Noir. Things were going pretty well for a while...
PROSPITIAN SWORD && DETECTIVE HAT || WRITING QUILL.
You got the TEXTRIX OF THE ARBITOR! That, plus your machine gun, is a pretty good arsenal.
Looks like Jack is pestering you again.
sovereignSlayer [SS] began pestering preposterousSnooper [PS] at 12:15 AM.
[SS]: Sleuth, your sorry ass is gonna need saving unless you get to the Medium, fast.
[SS]: Our lousy stupid 'ROYAL AND JUST RULER' A.K.A. Huge Bitch (bluh bluh) has decided Prospit needs to go.
[SS]: Don't forget, she's a menace with those prototypings.
[PS]: OK, thx 4 the tip.
[PS]: Any advice?
[SS]: Sorry, pal. You're on your own.
sovereignSlayer [SS] ceased pestering preposterousSnooper [PS] at 12:18 AM.
PS: Wrap up flashback.
PS: ...and so we're all in deep doo-doo.
Thanatos: That's pretty awful. Hey, Cass, aren't you a Derse dreamer?
Cass: Oh, about that...
Dream Jenny: Be in huge trouble.
Damn Cass and her stupid ideas. She did some sort of weird dealywhoo and switched planets. It's only supposed to last twenty four hours, but you probably don't have much time thanks to the monstrosity that is the BLACK QUEEN chasing after you.
Present Dylan: Confront future Self and Meg.
You don't think that would be a good idea considering the big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.
Present Dylan: Snoop on conversation
FUTURE MEG: aRE WE AT THE TOP YET DILL MOO?
FUTURE DYLAN: Just be glad we were lucky to get away from that archagent. He was as big as the house!
FUTURE MEG: yAH WELL, WE NEED A FASTER WAY TO GET TO THE PORTAL THINGY MOOO
FUTURE DYLAN: I think I might have something to help us...
FUTURE DYLAN retrieves the RAINBOW SPRING-LOADED BAG
FUTURE DYLAN: When I mean us, I mean me.
FUTURE DYLAN bounces up the multiple roofs to the first gate leading to his designated planet.
Future Meg: Ride the Gingysprite like a mechanical bull
DYLAN: We can't let yourself go into through the first gate! We have to do something!
MEG: i CAN HELP MOOOOO
DYLAN: What's that?
Present Meg brings out the EGG BLASTER
Present Meg: Be someone else
You are now Sakuya Pinoki. You are a weeaboo.
Sakuya: Play a hauntingly kawaii desu desu desu koto refrain.
You are in YOUR ROOM. You are a lover of JAPANESE CULTURE, and have loads of POSTERS OF HUMAN AND TROLL ANIME on your walls. You like WRITING FANFICTION, which you are without a doubt brilliant at. You do a lot of SHIPPING FICS, especially with DRAMA AND ANGST as themes. You hate PEOPLE WHO CALL YOUR OCS MARY SUES.
Sakuya: Visit your zen garden.
Ahh, your lovely Zen garden. When you're not writing or sleeping, you spend your time here.
Sakuya: Clip bush into box hedge.
Never! That's not very Japanese at all! It's not like you're British or something...
And yet...the concept is so tempting. Maybe just a little square couldn't hurt...
OH GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Cochin: Cut Sakuya Off.
Cochin: Notice BQ.
Hey look, a girl is being terrorized by a tyrannical ruler.
Eeh, who gives a damn.
BQ: Notice Cochin.
YOU GIVE A DAMN, YOU GIVE A DAMN! YOU'RE RUNNING!
Jenny: Pick up Dersite sword and run BQ through!
YOU GOT THE REGISWORD!
Panel: Jenny charges at BQ while her back is turned.
The Black Queen has been-
Panel: Sword bounces off BQ
BQ: Grab both children of separate races and treat them equally.
Panel: BQ holding both players by their throats.
It's not like you're racist. You're just going to strangle both of them.
Cochin and Jenny: Handbite x2 combo
Panel: Same as above, BQ's eyes look shocked and the kids are biting ferociously.
Atalanta: Attack BQ
Your dreamself is not on Derse!
Cochin: Trap BQ in a headlock.
Uh-uh. No way. You're not risking having your high blood spilled on the ground. The color would clash horribly. You're getting the hell out of here.
Okay, than Jenny: Trap BQ in a headlock.
Okay, you've got it.
Oh my GOD that beak is sharp!
Cass, Thanatos and PS: Leg it over to Derse
Panel: Them flying away from Prospit, Thanatos carrying PS
Panel: The reverse: They arrive at Derse.
Cass: Whoa, what's going on here?
Thanatos: I think it's a fight.
PS: Hell yes.
Cass: Took the words right out of my mouth.
PS: COMBAT OPERANDI; SLEUTH DEPLOMACY
You decide to give the black queen a five course meal of hot lead.
Panel: Red background, silhouetted, Cass is lunging at BQ with a hatchet.
[S] Jenny, PS, Cass and BQ: STRIFE!
I bet you're wondering about a flash. Well, it won't be a flash. Just a video. A series of animations with music dubbed over in Windows Movie Maker.
>Many years in the future...
Whoa whoa whoa, wait just a damn second! All these timeskips are screwing with your head? Where is everyone?
>Authors: Take out graph and recap the story.
RGUY3: Hey, everyone, and welcome to the recap section, which may or may not become an intermission depending on whatever happens. Diamond, will you please give us an idea of what happened in episode 1?
DIAMOND: Right, okay. So Jen starts playing Sburb...
Episode 3 part 2 - Intermission.
RGUY3: Dude, that drawing is so crappy. Lemme fix it.
DIAMOND: No way! That looks awesome!
CALL_ME_FEZZY: What are you two bickering about?
RGUY3: Oh, forget it. Keep going.
DIAMOND: Thanks. Now she tries to do it on her own, but she has to go to her friend Mellohi for help. They fool with Sburb a bit, meeting friends, relatives, and even Trolls...Then they introduce this guy, the most important character in The Omega Session-
FEZZY: Whoa, dude. You're going a little too far. We already agreed on Cass's position as key player-
RGUY3: Hold it. This is a roleplay, I think. Or is it just a group of people writing a Homestuck fan story? I can't tell the difference any more. But this is an ensemble cast. No one is more important than the other. And everyone will have their shining moments.
FEZZY: And Harry Potter shout-outs. Like "Kill the spare," and all that jazz.
KITTY: Do you mind if I could do the Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff parody in the comic?
RGUY3: What? Oh, sure. How about Sanic Hegehag?
KITTY: What now?
RGUY3: I was thinking it could be a sort of Sonic parody, about a 'hegehag' (that's 'hegehog') that is addicted to 'going fast'. But you can do whatever you want. Now, back to the recap.
DIAMOND: ...Then we introduce Dylan, and we see all sorts of shenanagins starting up. He goes and gets his Sburb game without many hitches, except for a row with his sister, Meg. His suit covered in lipstick, he returns to his room and begins playing, with the help of Jackie McFee from the pre-scratch universe. We've gotten to the point where Problem Sleuth, Cass, Jenny, and Thanatos are having a smackdown with the Black Queen.
RGUY3: And they're losing. Time zones: Jackie McFee is the most in-the-future. She landed her skyship in the year 2666, and hasn't been able to get back. Meg and Dylan are in distant second, a few hours from the present. Everone else is going forward in a straight line from where they started. I think.
DIAMOND: Right. Now that that's done, where were we?
RGUY3: Many years in the future?
DIAMOND: Oh yeah.
FEZZY: I'll start it back up...
Many years in the future...
A few exiled carapaces assist a lost questant.
JACKIE: Keep looking! Anything! Gasoline, batteries, I don't give a damn, so long as it's fuel.
EXPELLED NOMAD: Will firewood do?
Jackie: Check furnace.
It looks like it might work...
JACKIE: Sure. But I don't want you guys to freeze to death. Only a little bit of wood.
EN: Load wood.
Jackie: Examine fuel
You've found five thousand batteries, preserved by the cold, five logs for burning, six gallons of gas, and some strange wind processor you've installed outside.
Enough for about one more flight.
JACKIE: Okay, I'm leaving. But how about one for the scrapbook?
You hold up a camera, aiming it towards yourself and the exiles. You snap the photo. The exiles seem mighty surprised at the flash.
You climb into the ship, booting the stuff up. After a moment, you pull the ship out of time and into what you're pretty sure is the modern date. Because the Reckoning is happening.
You oblige this command, raining fire on the planet.
Jackie: Defy the laws of reality.
Every Sburb expert from the pre-scratch universe said you could not sail a skyship through the reckoning and survive. but you know what they say...
Panel: Small meteor slams into the side of the skyship.
...FUCK THE EXPERTS.
Cass: Be badass and destroy the Black Queen.
You fail epicly, falling on your butt instead.
Were did it all go wrong?
Call for backup.
Sadly, the only type of backup you have are two idiots who can't even throw a hatchet. Well, you suppose it will have to do.
Cass: Thanatos! Problem Sleuth! Do something!
PS: Be the hero.
You are the hero.
COMB RAVE: SEPULCHRITUDE!
Future Meg: Dream
You are on DERSPIT. Gee, it looks sort of...hollow...
screamingGopher [SG] began pestering androiDiamond [AD] at ??:??
[SG]: hEY BRO I THINK MY PLANET'S MESSED UP MOO.
[AD]: Well, technically, it's not supposed to exist in the first place.
[AD]: Derspit happens when someone enters a session by themselves. Sometimes. Usually a dead session is created.
[AD]: But we have way more than the average session, so it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever for it to appear.
[SG]: gOT ANY IDEAS WHY MOOOO?
[AD]: Nope. All I do know is that you're the only person on Derspit.
[AD]: Which, by the way, is bad.
[SG]: wHY MOOO
[AD]: Well, you're alone for start.
[AD]: That pretty much sucks in itself.
[AD]: But if the Gray Queen turns out to be evil, you're totally screwed.
[AD]: Oh crap, gotta go!
androiDiamond [AD] ceased pestering screamingGopher [SG] at ??:??
Future Meg: Wander.
FUTURE MEG: hELLOOOOOO MOOOOO
FUTURE MEG: iS ANYONE HERE MOO?
???: you shouldn't be here.
FUTURE MEG: wHO ARE YOU AND WHERE IS EVERYONE MOOO?
BLACK KING: this kingdom used to be home to many derspitians, but they all left due to dead resources.
BLACK KING:I was left here to die by the hands of the my wife...
FUTURE MEG: ...i'M SORRY MOO
FUTURE MEG: wAIT.
FUTURE MEG: ...yOU'RE THE BLACK KING MOOOOOO?
BLACK KING: That would be me, yes.
FUTURE MEG: aND THE BLACK QUEEN DUMPED YOU HERE MOO?
BLACK KING: Correct.
FUTURE MEG: oMG.
FUTURE MEG: tHE GOAL OF SBURB IS TO KILL YOU MOOOOOOO.
BLACK KING: Then do it. I'm desolate.
FUTURE MEG: bUT THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE SESSION IF THE BLACK QUEEN IS TAKING MATTERS INTO HER OWN HANDS MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
FUTURE MEG: i GOTTA HELP MY FRIENDS MOO.
FUTURE MEG: gOODBYE, MOOO!
Future Meg: Leave.
You leave, letting the Black King stay on Derspit for the time being.
Present Mellohi: Be Alive
Kinda hard to fucking do that right now with this piece of shit in the way.
Mellohi: Open can of whoopass.
Panel: Mellohi beheads Ogre. Will be done by Rguy. Everyone else has done enough panel work.
You've been saving one for this kind of occasion.
Mellohi: Climb the ladder
You think thats a ladder? Its a bloody elevator!
Mellohi: Ride elevator
Past Jenny: Alchemize.
Panel: Sword && key || Final Fantasy game (rguy3 will draw)
You got THE KEYBLADE!
It's a giant key. What a piece of crap.
Jenny: Pester Cass.
godheadBubbles [GB] began pestering lateInvestigator [LI] at 11:42 AM.
[LI]: Well, finally!
[LI]: Glad to see you aren't still sore at me about Jackie.
[GB]: How's Deathsprite?
[LI]: Acting stupid again.
[LI]: Isn't it weird how our sprites act so stupid?
[GB]: Yes, actually. As if something were wrong with them.
Jack Noir: Interrupt conversation
Panel: Jack is throwing a book emblazoned with a golden Omega across a room from an armchair.
What the fuck, this book has the worst ending ever.
[o] I will explain.
I have always believed that a good storyteller should keep a comprehensive record of past events on hand. A book of personal significance, for instance, from which he may piece together current moments from past ones of a similar, if not identical nature. It's more efficient.
It's also logical to keep the book's alternate endings, since there is essentially nothing new in paradox space. Everything that can happen is either a visual or substantive reproduction of something which has already transpired on a timeline, offshoot or otherwise.
Jack: Who the fuck are you?
[o] Oh, how rude of me.
My name is Doctresse Scratch and welcome to my apartment. I trust you'll find my voice is more palatable against this decor. I continue to be an excellent host.
I'm expecting a guest later this evening.
Make yourself comfortable in the meantime. But don't touch the candy on the table. That is reserved for my guest.
[o] KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
[You rang? That was a joke. Of course you didn't. I don't have a doorbell, remember? Haa haa, hee hee, hoo hoo.]
Jack begins grabbing handfuls of candy from the bowl.
Jack: So, what do you mean, alternate endings?
Take a look at that book's table of contents. You'll find that there are more than one ending chapters.
Jack: Examine book.
Jack takes a look at the first page.
He pulls on the first page, and the book unravels.
It's not half as bad as it looks.
Jack: Read introduction.
The first thing to realize about alternate universes... is that they are not alternate. It is also important to realize that they are not, strictly speaking, universes either, but it is easiest if you don't try to realize it until a little later, after you've realized that everything you've realized up to that moment is not true.
Oh, wonderful. Another interruption. It seems she's acting out again. Sorting these books will have to wait while I settle her down. I apologize profusely.
Please continue to help yourself to the serviceable "==>" command in my absence. As a first-class host, I keep a healthy supply on hand at all times.
What do you think your doing?
CASS: Rearranging your face!
Panel: Cass nails Scratch with a hatchet. It sticks in her forehead.
I would appreciate if you would refrain from violence while you're enjoying my hospitality.
CASS: Shut up.
CASS: If you think about it, you're no one. Just a gender-flip of a villain from a stupid webcomic.
If those words are supposed to be hurtful, you are failing dramatically. I feel neither insulted or angry.
Panel: Cass takes her other hatchet and hits DS in the side of the head.
Now you will have to stop this rude behavior, young lady.
Or will I have to suspend your living privileges?
Doctresse Scratch starts choking her to death.
RGUY3: What's going on in here?
RGUY3: Oh my GOD.
Panel: While DS is throttling Cass, the girl is beating her ferociously with the hatchets.
Really, this is getting quite ridiculous.
RGUY3: Drop that child, you dirty rotten-
Panel: DS points her revolver between RGUY3's eyes.
Perhaps you should go talk to Jack instead.
RGUY3: ...Yes. Jack. Sure.
Panel: RGUY is sitting next to Jack at the table.
RGUY3: You're Jack Noir?
Panel: Jack shoves knife in RGUY's stomach.
JACK: Well... aren't you gonna die?
RGUY3: 'Tis but a scratch.
JACK: Just a scratch? But I put a knife in your fuckin' stomach!
RGUY3: No, my stomach's fine.
JACK: Well, what's that then?
RGUY3: I've had worse.
JACK: Your lying!
RGUY3: Come at me bro! I'm invincible!
Jack then stabs RGUY3 thirty seven times in the chest.
RGUY3 has been slain.
Jack: Exit house.
You'll be damned glad to be out of here. Just sneak past the catfight, that's a good boy...
Panel: Jack steps out of the door - into deep space.
JACK: Well, fu-
END OF EPISODE 3
Episode 4 - Black VS White
Somewhere off in a distant place
???: Well This Aint Goin Nowhere, Noone Even Comes Up Here Anyway...
Enter Name ==>
CALUM: Its Calum, Calum Quinn, Dont Need To Do Any Of That Crappy "Enter Name" Stuff. I Know My Own Name.
Calum: Gaze over balcony at surroundings.
CALUM:There Was Some Commotion Down There Earlier. Some Kids Were Doing A Bunch Of Stupid Stuff, Then They Just Went Up And Left. No Big Deal Really, Right Now I'm More Worried About Getting Hired.
Dylan: Stop being the other guy.
You stop being the other guy. You're not even sure what that meant anyway.
Dylan: Prepare for a boss battle.
You look over to your CHEST that you suddenly noticed was on the roof. There are some things in here that would be good to stock up on for a major battle.
But it looks like someone (Meg) has plundered your chest!!! This is so outrageous.
You are being ambushed!
There isn't much room to maneuver on this sloping roof. Maybe you should consider making your way to higher ground.
Dylan: Ascend to the highest point of the house.
You go up here.
Hey Dylan Look Down.
You peek over the edge.
It already seems like a long way down to your yard. Beautiful castles and dangerous acid are as far as the eye can see...
Hey, wasn't your RAINBOW SPRING-LOADED BAG dangling from that branch earlier? Dammit, why do imps got to be making off with all your sweet gear??
Dylan: Look behind you...
You are confronted with a pair of enormous ogres.
This is it. You have no choice but to wage a fierce rooftop battle. This is totally going to happen now, and could in no way conceivably be interrupted by a sudden shift in our attention. It's go time. It's time to do this thing.
Panel: Jenny cleaves an imp in half with the massive sword.
Jenny: Alchemize shades with laptop.
SHADES || LAPTOP
You got the SHADES.COM DOMAIN!
Yeah, not what you were actually expecting. What a waste of grist.
SHADES && LAPTOP
You got the pesterShades. These'll come in handy when you want to annoy someone.
Jenny: Ascend to the highest point of the building
Jenny retrieves the BUSTER SWORD and places it in the problemsluethmodus. She then races up the spiral staircase to the top where she finds her sister's voodoo dolls scattered all over the platform.
Someone's trying to piss you off.
And if you find them, you're going to perform a free crainiotomy.
As in chop their goddamn head off.
>Jen: Pester Mellohi.
godheadBubbles [GB]began pestering miraculousSwordsman [MS] at 11: 11 pm.
[MS]: Yo Jen Whats Up?
[GB]: Got a lot on my mind.
[GB]: Someone's scattered my late sister's voodoo dolls all over the floor, and that's pissing me off a little bit.
[GB]: Never mind that, though. I wanted to contact you because I suspect that ever since we arrived in The Medium we're getting absolutely nowhere.
[GB]: Dylan was supposed to bring me a time weapon about 18 hours ago, and I'm trying to work to a deadline.
[GB]: Which should be easy, since my Daleksprite keeps calling me a time player.
[GB]: Enough ranting, though. Have you run into any similar dead ends?
[MS]: Ive Beaten Phoinexcreedsprite At Chess
[MS]: He Fucking Sucks For An Ace Attorney
[GB]: Whoa hold on Mellhoi, there's something moving in the voodoo dolls. See you later.
-- godheadBubbles [GB] is now an idle chum! --
Jenny: Pull her out.
You pull pre!Jackie McFee out of the rubble. She looks really pissed.
JACKIE: Will you put me the fuck down?
Jenny: Drop Jackie in shock.
You proceed to do so gladly.
pre!Jackie: Explain to her why your here.
JACKIE: I cant believe i fell for the blue box prank. Dwight you bastard.
JENNY: What the hell are you talking about? How are you even here?
JACKIE: first: I got here by ship from the pre-scratch universe. second: Dwight told me to give you the orange present and have me open the blue one when i got here.
JACKIE: Here's yours.
pre!Jackie gives the ORANGE PACKAGE to Jenny
Jenny: Open package.
You reveal the SWORD OF TIME!!!
Yes. Fuck yes. Hell fucking-
We used this joke like seven pages ago.
Jenny: Continue conversation.
JENNY: But that still doesn't explain much. Mellohi taught me a bit about Paradox Space. Experts say that no one could ever make it in a ship.
JACKIE: Fuck the experts, we're talking bigger than that.
JACKIE: I had more help than you think.
JACKIE: Oh and before I forget, Dwight wanted me to tell you how to use the sword.
JACKIE: You twist the wheel on its side to choose what time you want to go to and cut through the floor.
JACKIE: Then just jump in..
Jenny: Give it a try.
You set the knob to DEC 31ST, 1999, so you can take a look at the most epic New Years on the planet. You slice through the floor and hop in!
Jenny: Examine surroundings.
Well, it looks nearly the same, except you don't see your house anywhere. Oh no, now you realize what's wrong. The sword only travels in time, not space. Damn.
You set the date to return when A WILD CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN APPEARED! Who do you desire to pick?
Be the other girl.
You are now ALLISON SCRATCH. You are 18 years old, and you live with your DAD in a shabby hotel. You appreciate 80s ALTERNATIVE MUSIC, and THE OCCASIONAL NOVEL. You are a lucky cherub, as you and your sister never chain each other up. What will you do?
>Wait, wait wait wait wait. What the hell?
Is that the weird voice again? You hate the weird voice.
>It is extremely obvious that you are not a cherub. You look much like the fleshy human things that were bugging me earlier.
Your name is ALLISON SCRATCH. As was previously mentioned you are a human. You are 18 years old, and you live with your DAD in a shabby hotel. You appreciate expensive stuff, including VODKA and EXOTIC CATS. You hate anything cheap so you tend to "borrow" money from your best friend, MOXY GRIFFIN.
What will you do?
Wait just a freaking second.
No! You're being introduced, or you're not letting anyone go anywhere.
No no, really! Don't you remember when everyone was fighting the Black Queen! That narrative switched away and was forgotten about! Gotta fix that now, see ya later!
Wait a minute- well, shit. Narrative's gone.
PS: Take on BQ Single-handed.
PS: Alright, let's do this.
Panel: PS is running madly at BQ, sword raised.
PS: LEEEEEEROY! JEEEEEEENKINS!
BQ: Retaliate, Shoop da Whoop style.
She shoots a giant green lazar out of her beak.
CAW CAW MOTHERFUCKER
New Character: Introduce self. (GODDAMMIT!)
This character is not worth our time, but we'll introduce her anyway.
Banner: PS blocks BQ's beak blast
EBONY DARKNESS DIMENTIA RAVEN WAY
Nope, try again.
Banner: PS and BQ clash melee weapons
Your name is SERENITY SMYTHE, although you prefer PRINCESS SERENITY SAPPHIRE KAWAII NEKO CHAN. You like doing everything, and you're better than everyone at it, too!
>Serenity: Pester your crush.
Banner: PS kicks BQ in the gut.
Panel: Pesterchum screen.
marySue [MS] began pestering miraculousSwordsman [MS] at 11:55 AM.
[MS]: WHY, HELLLOOOOOO, LOVE OF MY LIFE!
[MS]: God, You Again.
[MS]: What The Hell Do You Want Now Smythe?
[MS]: JUST CHECKING ON MY MOST FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD!
[MS]: OMG, LOOK! OUR SCREENNAME INITIALS ARE THE SAME!
[MS]: DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S MEANINGFUL?
Mellohi: Compose long speech to Ms. Smythe about how much she pisses you off.
No screw that, she wasn't worth the headache.
BQ: Summon your Zanpakutō.
You do that.
Problem Slueth yells out the most fierce battle cry in history and charges at her again.
BQ: Finish him.
The Black Queen slices him in half
PROBLEM SLEUTH has been slain.
Shriga and Sakana: Watch Derspit's destruction.
The Black Queen killed the Black King, Jack Noir and Meg. Cass, Cochin, Skaahn, Apollo, Allison, Mellohi, Dylan, and Jenny escaped to another dimension by Jackie's skyship.
Everyone else died.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Yes. You have caused the end by doing jack. Time to screw up the session while everyone's away!
Good god, so much to do, so much time to do it in!
Atalanta: Blow up WQ's castle while she's out trying to kill BQ.
You begin rigging explosives all over the place, laughing maniacally while you're at it.
Your maniacal laugh needs work.
Panel: Atalanta does not face Thanatos, who has appeared in the background.
THANATOS: You tried to do my dreamself in.
ATALANTA: I should care because? What can you honestly do to-
Thanatos: Become the evil ruler you were meant to be.
That sounds somewhat appealing, but that's not your job.
Seeing as you're more or less the last person still alive in the universe with good intentions, you've set off on a quest to find out exactly what screwed up the session so bad.
And when you're finished, you suppose you'll take up a hobby.
Reanimating the dead, perhaps?
INTERMISSION 2: LASER GUIDED KARMA
CASS: God, I hate this starship. I hate living off this canned food. But you know what pisses me off the most?
DYLAN: *sigh* What, Cass?
Panel: Jen's face is illuminated by the unseen TV screen.
CASS: The fact that my worthless cousin hasn't stopped her sci-fi marathon.
DYLAN: Ya, all she seems to do is watch Doctor Who and Star trek for months on end.
Dylan then plops down on the couch beside Jenny, who's got shadows visible under her eyes now that she's not wearing sunglasses.
DYLAN: Can we watch something else Jen?
JENNY: Do you have anything else?
DYLAN: Ya, I've got the dvd of Con air..
DYLAN: g987rvy8gnb sikjnihonjhgpjy?
ATALANTA: LETS WATCH A SCARY MOVIE! >:D
DYLAN: What' you just say?
JENNY: I said fine. Pop it in.
DYLAN: That's not what I thought you said...
Jackie is visible at the computer in the background. Atalanta flashes on her monitor for a second.
JACKIE: Does anyone have a PayPal account with 32 pounds on it?
JENNY: AHH! Oh, Jackie, it's you. Sorry.
JACKIE: Who were you expecting, the Spanish fucking Inquisition?
Allison, Apollo, Skaahn: Burst out of closet
The three suddenly do so, dressed in red suits
ALLISON: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
JENNY: Actually I did.
Allison: Stare at Jen, open mouthed.
JENNY: What's with that stupid look on your face?
ALLISON: You can't just say you were expecting the Spanish Inquisition.
JENNY: If someone mentions them, then they always pop out some door or other.
ALLISON: That's still not right. It's not like you can expect the unexpected.
JENNY: Well, it wasn't exactly unexpected. See, I've seen a few comedy films with Old Jackie, and-
JACKIE: If you guys are quite finished, I'm trying to do something.
DYLAN: What's up, Jackie?
JACKIE: I just found this expansion pack for Sburb.
Everyone: Collective "WHAT?!"
Everyone: Not notice Atalanta in the mix.
JACKIE: Well, it definitely won't repair the session. That's gone to shit. It'll just help us in case we run into extra issues. More fetch modi cards, extra grist.
JACKIE: Maybe even another strife specibi card for some of us.
MELLOHI: I Was Hoping I Could Get Myself Something New, Like Laserkind.
MELLOHI: If You Guys Could Supply The Materials, I Could Get Working On Building A Few New Ones, But I Need Some More Grist And Im To Lazy To Go Get Some Fairly
MELLOHI: Anyway, I Have Something I Need To Warn You Guys About, Ive Been Picking Up Some Random Signals From This Area, Have You Guys Been Messing Around With Anything?
JENNY: Messing around with what? What technology do we have on the ship?
ALLSION: Other than your alchemize-y stuff. And that computer. And your TV. And your Playstation.
JACKIE: ...Thanks for that roll call, Allison.
JENNY: I don't think it's anything to worry about.
JENNY: Unless you've been using a radar.
MELLOHI: No, It's Actually Coming Up On The Radar As A Pink Skull, It's Been In This Room With You Guys, Flickering On And Off.
MELLOHI: I Thought It Was Just A Phone Or Something, But The Energy Signal Is Way Larger, And I Already Have You Guys On It, So It Means Either Someone Broke Some Machinery, Or There's Someone Teleporting In And Out Of This Room.
JENNY: The hell?
Atalanta: Reveal yourself.
Atalanta warps in and pushes Cass at the door. The latch breaks and she falls out.
Sudden plot twist is sudden.
ATALANTA: WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU CaUGHT ME.
Dylan, Mellohi, Jenny: Aggrieve
Atalanta auto-parries, grabbing Jenny in a headlock. You lose your sick shades.
Dylan: COMBAT OPERANDI; HIT AND RUN.
You deliver a punch to the cherub's stomach and abscond, running to the pilot's door and locking it, leaving the cherub with no escape.
You prepare to assault Atalanta with a few vicious kicks before abstaining, to better give Mellohi a moment to draw his sword.
Jenny: Do a barrel roll.
You execute a spinning trick that is technically not a barrel roll. Everyone is flung about.
[This Will Be A Nice Looking Flash When I Get The Time To Work On It ~Mellohi]
Yea Jimmy Should Probably Throw That Into The Fire
Thats It Burning Right Now
Jimmy: Slide that disk 2 in.
Whéré aré wé, dude?
APOLLO: !'m not sure...
APOLLO: Th!s m!ght some sort of l!mbo d!mens!on between the two walls, ! guess.
APOLLO: L!ke a realm w!th unusual spat!al propert!es we'd have to cross through.
COCHIN: Oh, ok Thén.
COCHIN: I was just wondéring...
COCHIN: Did wé escape the scraTch?
COCHIN: like, we still exisT and everyThing?
APOLLO: ! th!nk so.
APOLLO: !f we d!dn't, we wouldn't be standing here would we?
COCHIN: ok, just making suré.
APOLLO: Jenny told me that she had a w!ndow !n her captchalogue and used !t to make a g!ant w!ndow to another sess!on. But even !f we get there, Atalanta is st!ll on the sh!p hunt!ng us down one by one.
COCHIN: Dammit, you know I haTé ThaT cherub, dudé.
APOLLO: ! know but we don't have much of a cho!ce but to wa!t for them to stop her...
Apollo: and go through to the other wall.
Cochin: you méan ThaT oné way ovér Théré?
>Cass: Be Lost.
You're too busy being in pain to be lost. Everything hurts. It's a miracle you aren't dead.
>Cass: Get up, it's just a flesh wound!
>Cass: Actually try to stand up.
You do. It's easier than you'd expected.
>Cass: Look around.
Hey, this looks like Prospit. At least you're somewhere familiar.
>Cass: Wait, what's that?
You walk over to sometihng laying on the ground. Two somethings, actually: Problem Sleuth's top half and Problem Sleuth's bottom half.
>Cass: Kiss top half.
Cass wipes her mouth and picks up the body. Kiss happens.
You know it's supposed to revive him, but you don't think this is a very sanitary idea.
>Cass: React accordingly.
You drop the body and vomit off-camera.
>Dream Problem Sleuth: Awaken.
You wake up on your dream planet, Skaia. Now is your chance to take advantage of your extra life and figure out what's going on!
>DPS: View Skaia.
Problem Sleuth walks out of a cave cheerily, but his expression turns morbid. Skaia is nothing but ashes.
Ah, what lovely planet! You adore seeing this place, despite all the bodies, and-
END OF INTERMISSION 2, ACT 1
DYLAN: Guys, why is there a spaceship parked outside the universe?
DYLAN: See for yourself..
Kids and trolls: Welcome to the Zeta session.
JACKIE: Anybody up for lunch?
THE END OF THE OMEGA SESSION
But not the end of the never-ending story. Visit the The Zeta Session where we find our heroes facing their pre-scratch selfs.