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((Holy shit this character is poorly made what are you twelve?))

Kira Moros
Untitled

Title

Maid of Sorrow

Species

Troll

Screen Name

lastCrusader (LC)

Typing Style

Nothing abnormal.

Zodiac Sign

Aries

Strife Specibi

razorshieldkind

Planet

Land of Clouds and Dragons

Gender: Female

Appearance: Long straight hair, small crescent shaped horns.

Lusus: A large helldog, named Razor.

Personality: Mean, but also very curious.

Blood Color: Dark Red

Dreamworld: Prospit

Friends with: No one

Browser: Hera

[[Category:ZoneShatter session]

This, of course, is an example of how NOT to make an OC.

Let’s start with the name, shall we?

Kira Moros. Troll names are six letters for the first name, six for the last. No exceptions. There is in fact no good reason to stray from this format that can be reasonably argued, save for wanting a special snowflake character that blatantly violates canon rules (which is anything BUT reasonable).

Next, her classpect. “Maid of...” okay, that’s good. Canonical. Hell, a fan on classpect is fine, as long as it’s one syllable and has an “arc” associated with it (like the Knight’s arc of learning not to mask their true self).

“... sorrow”. What in the freshly fried fuck. First off, one syllable please. Secondly...

Aspects are quantum level ideas, which can mean a lot of different things. Light, for example, is knowledge, luck, fortune, sight, and, well, light. “Sorrow” is not like that. It means a very limited set of things. Not just “emotions”, but a specific emotion. One thing. Not exactly a narrative driving force with multiple ways of representing it.

The sign is meant to be unique, unless this character is somehow meant to be a descendant of the Demoness, aka the Handmaid. Which presents issues in and of itself.

Friends with “no one”? Oh god. I’m bleeding. The edge cut me through the goddamn screen and I need an ambulance before my body realizes it’s been bisected and slowly falls in half like a frickin cartoon character. I’m already dead, Omae wa mou shinderu. Trolls, while not the most friendly of creatures, have quadrantmates. Have people they don’t regard as immediate threats to others. They’re snarky with their friends, but dammit, they have some.

The lusus? A helldog. Um. I guess that... might work? If you really swing it. Which you don’t.

Blood shouldn’t be “dark red”, use one of the terms given in comic. Dark red could be one of literally thousands of shades. Something like “burgundy” or “maroon” or “rust” is more specific and pins her on the bottom of the hemospectrum like you probably intended.

Personality needs just. More work. It says nothing, really, and leaves more questions than answers, and not in a “thought-evoking writing” way. More in the way asking a person why they’re writing on the wall with their own feces and getting the answer “Twelve, triangle, orange, Sesame Street” accomplishes.

Specibus is too specific and kinda too “special snowflake”-y, the chat handle is ok since we don’t need to stick with the ATCG format of canon characters, browser is OK and the land seems fine but might need something linking it to her (changed) aspect.

Image needs work. No sign on her, from what I see.

Anyways, that’s my take.

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